I am trying to be more open, or maybe vulnerable is a better word, if I am being honest. I have always been “open” and honest, but vulnerability has never been an attribute I thought highly of. I saw others who were vulnerable as brave, but it was never really for me on a regular basis. So this year I have challenged myself to be more open – this journey of openness has brought a mixture of emotions; both good and bad. Here is an excerpt from this journey.
I meet him for coffee. Simple enough. We talked about life, work, and family, the usual. He talked about a girl he was meeting with later with excitement – unexpected. I was verbally encouraging and internally heart broken.
Somewhere in the back of my mind or deep in my heart, I had expectations. I thought coffee might lead to more; I hoped this was the start of something. I had a daydream of what coffee could mean and for another girl it was true, but for this girl it was not.
With the heartbreak of clarity, my secret expectations were shattered. Although I was being wise, I wanted to be open, and I went to coffee with delusions of grandeur. And found myself placed squarely in the friend zone, maybe even the sister zone.
I just need to figure out if I am OK with momentary heartache and internal embarrassment for the sake of openness. I need to pray with more expectation than I show up to coffee with. I need to realize that openness will lead to just as much joy as it does pain. But it can also lead to community, and friendships, and being a sister to a godly man who is more than a friend but less than a coffee date.