How do people do this? Get to know someone via text without hearing their voice or seeing their facial expressions? I miss that. I miss seeing the person I am communicating with. I know that is not very “modern” of me, and this is how modern romance functions. Bumble, Tinder, E-Harmony, and Plenty of Fish are the platforms of this era, but they leave me missing basic, old-school human connection. I miss spotting that single guy across the room, our eyes meeting, gravity pulling us together, and the “Hello,” that is followed up by sparks. I miss gauging intonation and body language.
Right now I am 24 hours in to messaging with a man on Bumble who is smart, seems kind, and says he loves Jesus. But I want to sit across a table from him, and watch the way he interacts with a waitress, I want to see him get pumped by the song he loves playing in the background, but I also know that 24 hours is just testing the waters.
Something I appreciate about this man is that he seems genuinely interested in learning something about me. He has already mentioned talking about a certain topic in person. So I know there is intention. We will not be penpals. And as great as that feels, I still want to see him with his friends, I want to hear his laugh and know if it is the kind of laugh that will make me laugh.
While the last 24 hours of texting has been fun, I am now anxious that my writing skills have filled some of my social gaps with the opposite sex. As skilled as I think I am in conversation, something happens to me when I talk to a man who I like or I think may be interested in me. I become rambly and awkward and that could all be me overanalyzing, but it is also my insecurities in full effect. I want to just be myself, but if I am honest, sometimes I am afraid that is not enough. But, what it comes down to, is I am enough, and if I am not, we are not meant to be.
So, how do people do this? I am trying to keep my insecurities in check and be as open as I can be in what feels like a text monologue when I wish it could be an in-person conversation. I am trying to not rush things so that there is space to pray and not prey. I am trying to keep hope alive while having realistic expectations. And I am letting myself get excited when I hear the Bumble tone go off. I am also waiting patiently for an outing so I can put tone, gestures, and quirks in their proper place.
As much as I miss the humanity of it all, this is where I am. And who knows if this man will become anything, but I think I want to find out. I think I want to walk along with him and see our city together and figure out if this could be more, or if it should be less.